evil spirits can be supressed... but cant be killed.

whatever a man does its a part of him. good and evil, both. he is responsible for all of his actions. if one does something good... we cant take away the credit from him that "he was inspired by someone else" or "it just came to him, he is not like that actually" NO! if he did it... it is very much him. a part of his personality. the same is with the bad deeds. they are in us. as our part... there should be no shame in admitting it. this is in our instinct. the thing to be stressed upon is that what part is dominating over the personality.... as there will be only one at a moment. and our personality will assumed to be build on that... good or evil. and yes the dominating will be the one to which we feed more than the other....
what i believe is that this is the case with every human being.... even with the saints. the bad part lies in them as well.... ready to be fed.... it survives til the very end...even in the tiniest form.but it does! now i understand why mama asked me to make this prayer an integral part of my daily prayers.....
"YA ALLAH... iman ki halat me maut daina" amin.

no. you have not changed me. i am not changed. same old i am. same old. yes you can say that you know me well now. i know myself well now.... this is what i am. and this is not a change. i have always been like this. this is nothing new. but u did not know that before i guess. may be u don't know it now even.u think i have changed, u think u have changed me. that may be true in a sense but not in the one i am talking about.... well, you may not know it now even but at-least i do. i know myself now. complicated?? no i am not! hah! i found the explanation very simple when i realized it.i had also been in the confusion for a time period that i have lost myself but thats not true. the thing i have lost was not me. and what i was... i have not lost it. once i had explained to you that....the difference... the change... the actual realization. the confession. sigh. but you wont remember that... you wont. because u were sleeping.

And I Have Realized

It happens at times. That when some drastic change comes to your life...it completely encapsulates you from all sides. Like as if you are whirling within a hurricane. Spin and spin, round and round blurring all the other things that may have been really important to you.Here it does not matter whether the change is good or bad. The effect in concern can be in any case.You get away for a while, may be from yourself. It can even fade your identity away. But you just get lost in the new thing coming to you.
It happened to me. Yes i love changes. And it came to me. A good one of course.I was happy, very happy. All day and night i kept thinking of that new change. I will have to accept that i am not that good a manager. I did not mess the things up exactly but i excluded all the other things from my life. Even myself.
But trust me! that was not the demand of change...not at all. It just happened. Without the realization. But i have realized it now. The grace of the beautiful change that came to me will fade away if i did not gave it a place in my same old life. It does have a very very special space indeed. I cannot disgrace its pure essence by just floating away with it.I cant. And i wont. As i have realized.I cant ruin its beauty. The beauty of LOVE! I will absorb it in every part of my personality rather letting it encapsulate over ME! the ME to which it came... on the first hand. I will be ME... the real me. Which has gotten lost in this huge change. I will love ME! To whom he loves so much. I wont let his love get lost this easily... I just cant.

THE MESS vs THE BELIEF

red yellow white green purple blue orange and.... black, the shades of my thoughts. merge merge mixer blending. blank at times. and at times so any colors that no one is defined....they come and go leaving me more lazy more slow. i want to run. i want to cry. i want to fly. far far away, there is a land. where lives my wishes.... my wants. some are pure. some impure. but all are mine. they were born in me. i flourished them. and now they haunt me at times. they ask me for their fulfillment. bigger and bigger they are getting day by day. i still love them. i still let them grow, with the water of hope, with the sunlight of belief.
i had asked HIM for every decision i made for every step that i had taken.... almost. did i take it wrong?? all the signals? all the hints?? still i dont regret. He gave me the permission. to love. to wish. i did. then why do they haunt me????
ask them to go away! far away in that land of dreams!! reality is cruel! very cruel! its not their world!!! ask them to stay away if they want to live.... never wish to turn real.. never wish.
but if they never wish?? would they live?? no. i ll not stop wishing!!! you!! you! and you! nobody of u can stop me from dreaming! from believing! from loving!
you warn me from the future.... you warn me what ie my will is not HIS will... i say... i have belief!! you can kill me but not my belief! your warnings cant scare me....
i will wait!! with my belief! i will love with the belief!

reminder

people around
making up your world
the very own of urs
each and everyone
of some special importance
no one can take the place of other
round and round
circles around
a different u in each one
a friend a daughter a sister or no one
just u at times
a small world of urs
so dear to u
among the billions around
they love u
this is the very unit of the system
but what i wonder is
that how these small little lovely worlds
give rise to a cruel big world??

and it leads me to a simple answer...
as the circle widens...
the every unit moves away from the center
and that i find the actual reason....
WE ARE MOVING AWAY FROM THE CENTER
so the chances of getting lost in space are severe....
remind yourself of who u are
keep urself attached to the center
hold the STRING so that It may guide u to the right path....
hold it firmly!!
no one but HE can stop u from getting astray...

sane human

and it will end one day
say that it will!!
please say it!!
but wait.....
end... it terrifies me.... no i dont want an end..
may be a change...
yes yes! change this is what i starve for.....
but change...
mmm... a good change!
exactly a good change will do it i guess!
but do i really want it to change??
can i live without it?
i dont know....
may be i can...
may be i can not...
but eventually i will...
but then will this life be better than the new one??
DAMN! wat do i want??
my wishes.... my wants....
never ending... but i m!!
and i will... end one day....

ala randomness!

you and i, share it deep with in,
the pain, the guilt
come and hug me tight,
lessening the fear inside.
yes i need u, more than anything else
but i wont say that i will die without u.
as no one dies for no one here
but life will lose its essence so pure.
my purity attracted him to impure my soul.
i m not a slave of my emotions anymore.
at times even giving up is not an easy job.
some unseen faces haunt me at times.
love is blind.
tests in life will make u value the sunshine.

The Hope

drowning in the dark see of despair, i wait for a ray of light... the hope
some angel coming for my help so that i may cope
the problems that i have been facing for sometime now.
need to get resolved somehow
but when i think of finding some solution,
i am afraid of getting some point of absolution.
the risk of losing the hope cant be taken easily...
as it is the only thing i am left with in my treasury.

love

need dependence and expectations
my low temperament and encapsulations

he i she and him
we all are sinners of a single sin

hide and seek the game of words
do u realize how it hurts?

the pain the love the wait
i am sorry i am no saint

u say i do, i do as u say
killing myself or comforting u or just saving the day

i wish to love i love to wish
i know i am selfish

why does it bother when you need him more
explore yourself you ll find him deep within the core

come love and penetrate deep
into my soul and let me weep

as tears are nothing but an expression
of your utmost passion...

error

things were not so perfect ever
but there was not this much error

complications, confusions were always there
but they did not use to be this severe

people around me used to say
hardships and sufferings will pass one day

but what if till that blissful day
i will no longer stay....

u are free

what do u want to say?
i am here to believe u.....

are u in pain??
i am here to relieve u....

if u want to go away...
dont worry, i ll leave u...